Fights

Half of the time I try to show you my point of view. I try to emphasize my feelings, to show you that, well, I'm upset, and to make you understand it. Half of the time, when I'm less upset than usual, I try to stick to things that make you feel better, do things that would make you think that everything is better even if it can be frustrating for me. Because when we fight, it's only me throwing immature tantrums. When we fight, it's just because I'm immature. Well, I'm sorry, ok? I'm a girl, I have moodswings, and I live in a stressed environment and I get frustrated easily! And I know you understand that. But you just label it as "another time she's just upset and/or angry" and don't do much about it. You take it for granted that soon enough it'll be all over, like it always is.
But you know what? It hurts more each time. You always put your hands in your hair and ask me what you should do about it, but it's not like I could tell you. If I told you, you'd be doing it because I told you, and it wouldn't work anymore. Each time we fight, I have a strong urge to sit a couple of meters from you, because it would hurt if I was too close or too far, and I just stare at you and at the ground, doing nothing, even.
So yeah, each time, you just label it. Each time is the same for you. You're just... passive about it. And I just stare, as the thing inside me gradually grows, and then you sometimes get fed up, you say things you soon regret and I just lose it. Sometimes I burst into tears, maybe lock myself in the room I'm in. I know that if I send you pictures of the result you'd only feel guilty and stop. And, somehow, I would be able to find satisfaction in that guilt, kind of a repayment, and be able to get rid of the feeling quickly enough (or so I recall, I've only done it once). But I know you hate it intensely when I send you pictures of me crying, so I don't do it. I asked you to send me a picture whenever I'm being stubborn, because I know that I would feel that guilt. I hate those pictures as much as you hate the ones I'd like to send you, but I feel the guilt and stop. I stop acting sad and angry, or well, I try. Sometimes the feeling goes away, like "oh, my darling is sad because of me, I must stop!", and sometimes it's just like "oh really? You look really 'sad'. Why don't you try looking at me, then?"
I know you love me, and I love you too. Fighting is normal, it's healthy, actually. But... sometimes it really hurts. And it's not only when we fight. Sometimes things happen to me, but then I hold it in because I don't want it to turn into a fight. When I get a bad grade, when I have issues with a friend or when my possibly-pedophile uncle is in the house, I look for your support. I look for you, hoping you'd be on my side. This might be immature again, but then again, I'm a lot younger than you. I don't want to use it as an excuse, it's a fact, and it's not something I can help. I live surrounded by children, I act immaturely for their amusement and as a result I'm immature most of the time. I look for you, I hope that you'd pat my head and say "yes, you're right." I know that's stupid. I know all girls do that. But you know what? Nevermind that.
Another issue is the fact that you're always mature. Or well, you always act mature. You're patient and everything. So when I do something immature, you make me feel incredibly guilty about it. You probably do it involuntarily, though. You act maturely, and then I feel even worse because I know that I'm acting like a child. A friend told me that girls are tricky and you should've realized that by now, but... sometimes you use some kind of magic that makes me feel extremely guilty about being tricky and difficult to understand. You know what? I don't even understand myself. It's hard. It's hard and nobody understands. And it hurts. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, and my feelings hurt. I wish I could simply put the blame on you and find a solution, but I can't! I know I'm the tricky one. I'm the one who's hard to deal with. I'm the immature one. I'm the annoying one. I'm the noisy one. I'm the one who causes all the problems. And I wish I could do something about it! And I always get in denial. I try to blame you so I can get rid of this but I can't help but blame myself. I blame myself for bringing pain onto myself. Oh fuck... Is it really all my fault? I have small expectations and I fall. I'm startled at something, I think, the thought evolves and I fall. I think more and more and blame myself for everything and I fall deeper. I fall in a hole. Like Alice's, but it's cold. God, it's so cold. And this is when I've already locked myself inside of me. Sometimes you try to reach to me, try knocking and try getting a hold of me, but I'm already surrounded by guilt and anger and frustration all for myself and I am unreachable, and then I feel even more guilty because I know that you can't reach me and you're upset about it and it's all my fault and I can't help but feel my cheeks wet and just lock myself deeper; and when you try to hug me, or kiss my head, or hold my hand, I know it's a gesture of love, of affection, yet I can't help but react almost violently, pushing you back and keeping you away from me. I would just crawl in your arms, I would, I love you warm arms, but if I did that I would be swallowing all the frustration, and I'd feel more sad in the end. But then sooner or later I do it anyway. I accept your hand, and I feel this terrible sense on the back of my head, I feel like it's wrong because I haven't fully dealt with the other things, that to finish it properly I had to go back in the hole and digest it slowly, so I try to go back in the hole but you don't want me to, and I don't want you to let me. Your willpower is weak, so as soon as I say "no" you let me go, but then everything starts over again. And this has happened so many times. Everytime it's the same. And God, does it hurt.